Who I am hates Who I've been

How did I get here?Why did this happen to me?What can I do?

These are just a few of the questions that have been rolling around in my head all week. How did I get here? Why did this happen to me? What can I do? I think for me to answer these questions I have to actually actually have to figure out why these; and many other questions, popped into my head.

To start; I want to say that this is a very hard blog post to type because as I sit here and type it I’m wrestling with so many thoughts and questions (like the ones listed above). I’ve really had to think about what I wanted to say and why I wanted to put it out there for the world. I started with the question “Does anyone really care what I have to say?’ For real, do people even care what I have to say on my blog, my instagram, my facebook and other social media platforms? Does my opinion or life make a difference in those that may come across my story or my social media? Sure; I’m just one person but can I make a large difference by just being me? These are all great questions as well. I had to think long and hard about what I’m typing even as I am typing it because I do not want to send mixed signals or even confuse people.

This post comes from a humble place. A place that few have been or seen from me. I’m nervous to even type my feelings, to share what has been going on. Before you think this is some kind of life changing revelation; you’re right, it is. It’s a revelation that I’ve seen evolved several times over the last few years. It’s been me listening to one of my playlists on Spotify (Who I am Hates Who I’ve been). It’s true. I know that may sound strange but by listening to a playlist of twenty-two songs I’ve been able to make some decisions on who I am versus who I have been.

The last few years I didn’t really know who I was becoming or what God was preparing me for. I stepped out of a comfort zone and let people in to my life through social media, through one-on-one conversations, sharing my story to one person or a group. Who knew that sharing my story and the journey I’ve been on would actually change others and inspire them to become the person they were meant to be.

Just recently I posted a picture on my social media platforms and it got a lot of likes, and responses both online and in person. That wasn’t my intention at all. I heard things like “Man, you’re really an inspiration. I wish I had your passion your drive.” I thought it was a little funny because my response was “If I can, anyone can” When you have the drive and the passion to better yourself as a person who’s stopping you? YOU, You are the one holding you back. Why should you blame anyone else when all it takes is just a little push.When birds learn how to fly they don’t just jump off a tree and hope the wind catches them and they take off, no they actually have to make an effort once they’ve jumped. Just like a small bird learning to fly or a baby animal learning to walk all it takes is drive. Yes, it’s in their nature or they’re DNA but they have to be the ones to take that first step. We as people have to take a step and watch what happens. There is a mommy or daddy pushing them but they have to take the steps. They have to be the ones to get up and learn themselves. I always enjoy watching videos of baby animals learning to walk for the first time. Baby giraffes, horses or similar are the most fun to watch because their legs are so long and they are just so uncoordinated. Like it’s funny but it is also awesome to watch them take those steps without falling.

Just like a baby animal learning to walk I’ve had to learn a lot. I’ve had to learn to do this on my own. Yes I’ve had people cheering for me but I am solely responsible for what I’m doing. This blog sounds like that of a person who is about to make some life changing post, but really I’m just wanting to share my thoughts and confessions of my fitness journey. I have not always been fit nor do I consider myself fit today. Sure I am more physically fit than I was six years ago but I’m not in a good place where I am. I’ve hit a wall. I’m stuck and really not sure where to go from here. Much like in the beginning I am clueless.

As I said earlier this post is very humbling because I may act like I have it together and I’m doing great. I’ve put my best foot forward on social media with posts or pictures but most people do not see the behind the scenes stuff. I still struggle with who I see in the mirror, the number I see on the scale, how my clothes fit. I was doing so well and then BAM! It’s like it all hit at once.

A few months ago I started doing online fitness challenges with some of my followers and friends and I just knew that it would help me stay motivated since I was challenging others. Guess what? It did not. Confession: I couldn’t keep track or stick with the diet myself. It was hard and I know that if someone like me struggled to stay on track I’m sure the people doing that six week challenge struggled too. Wow what a revelation.

Even after that challenge I told myself I would that i could get back on track and keep

crushing goals. It definitely didn’t happen. I told myself that being home this summer would be great for my personal health and fitness but it didn’t.

I lost sight of what I started out in the beginning. I started so that I could make a change. Fitness became something I did and was a part of me. People cheering me on from all over the country and people who have followed my journey from the beginning can tell you that I’m not the person I was when I started. I subconsciously started working to please others and get accolades from my friends and followers on social media. I started submitting ads on media platforms to push my social media and feed my ego more than stay the course that I was on.

How did this happen?!

Simple; I told myself that I was doing this “for myself” but really I was doing it for my selfish self. I used to be shy and even though I loved being in front of others on stage whether it was acting or singing i was an introvert at heart. When I started receiving attention for the hard work I had put in I started to become a little egotistical and cocky. That’s a gut punch. I kept telling myself that I was not going to be one of those guys but that's exactly who I slowly molded into. I’m not going to be a pharisee about it and say “well at least I’m not being like that guy” or “wow look at them trying to feed their ego with that post” because you know what I became that person. I started looking at how many likes a picture would get or tracking to see what type of audience was looking at my Instagram. How stupid can I be? Yes it’s cool to see how social media works but that’s not what this journey is about.

Why did this happen to me?!

I have asked myself this several times the last few weeks because; if I’m being honest, my whole fitness thing has become a back seat to life. It has no longer become my passion but just another thing I have to do each day. I can list all the ways it has become a burden but

I’m not here to fill the internet with another post about that. I will tell you this much over the last three weeks I have - Gained twelve pounds (that’s right 12!) - I’ve told myself “I don’t need to go to the gym, I’ll be fine” - I have eaten what I wanted and not what I”ve needed - Chosen sleep and chilling at home instead of being active - Beaten myself up every time I’ve stepped on the scale and seen a higher number

It’s not easy to admit those things. Part of my “excuses” I have used have been because I’m exhausted after work and do not want to commit to a two-hour workout after work. Yeah I do work 40 hour weeks between my regular job and teaching a fitness class (yea I’m leading a fitness class and I’m not even a prime example of fitness) but that is no excuse for why I’m slacking. I’ve given up on meeting goals because the goals I’m setting for myself are not being met. There’s an old adage that says “Rome wasn’t built in a day”; DUH! Why should I expect my goals to be met that quickly. I’ve allowed cheat meals to come more often like ONCE A DAY instead of once a week. I have said to myself “it’s ok I’ll work it off tomorrow and do a few minutes extra of cardio” How stupid does that sound?... I thought so.too.

I’ve seen a change in my mood, my energy levels and even in the gym. I’m not as motivated as I once was. It’s like I lost it and I’ve lost my way. As I type this I’m reminding myself of why I started. I started off working out because I was tired of being overweight and I wanted to fight off genetics and hold hereditary traits like diabetes and heart problems off for just a little longer even if it was just a few years. It has definitely helped but we’ll see for how long. Even if and when those things take over that doesn’t mean I have to stop being the fitness guy I am; t may change how I work out and the foods I eat but for now we’ll just keep going on like those are not in the picture. Let’s be honest I’m scared that those are going to sneak up on me soon and I’m not going to be ready.

So the last question I’m answering

What can I do?

That’s a great question. What can I do? Simple. FIX IT! Sure fix it but how?

Get up and quit feeling sorry for myself and do something about it. Make a plan and be the guy that you started out to be & not the one you portray on social media, I can still use social media to inspire and challenge others but not feed my ego along the way.

I always make the passing joke “Lift with your back, not your ego” and maybe I should tell myself that. I’m not here to impress anyone; I’m here for myself and to better myself. I love working with others and challenging them as well but on their terms and in their journey and not mine. Each journey is different so I have to remember that as I continue down the path that is laid out before me!

I can also take a look at how I use my social media and even my in-person interactions. What am I portraying? Is it the guy who started this journey almost six years ago or am I portraying the guy who has it all figured out. I need to be the guy who is humble, who knows his stuff and is always learning and challenging himself. I will be the first to admit that I don’t everything and that I enjoy continuing my knowledge when it comes to the healthy life I just haven’t done a great job of keeping it up.

As I type this post I’ve been working on a plan for how I will get myself back on track. I’ll be honest, it’s gonna suck but it’ll be worth it. In 20 years when I look back at who I was I can look and say “Man I’ve come a long way and I’m glad I did this for myself”.

I hope that as you’re reading this you are thinking similar things “How can I better myself” It’s not the goal of this post to challenge you so much as to challenge myself.

I’ve really been putting a lot of thought into who I am, who I’ve been and who I want to become. It’s been highs and lows, valleys and mountaintops but you know what? It’s 100% ok to have setbacks because this allows me to stop, collaborate and listen…. Just kidding but it does allow me to stop and reorganize and replan and reformulate my fitness journey.

Who I am is a result of who I was and who I will become later on.

I remind myself daily that it is a new day and to make it better than the day before but I’m not always living that way. That ends today, that ends with the last sentence in this post.

Who I am hates who I’ve been so why not become the who you were meant to be?!